MMeM, Vol.12 Issue 4 – GIANT ROLL

Something I have never gotten behind is the fascination with luxurious toilet paper. I really don’t see why anyone wants to spend any time, effort, much less money on something with which you are literally, going to wipe your @$$.

Not so long ago, I lamented about Cottonelle’s claim on toilet paper “so good” users could then “GO COMMANDO” after using it. No. No, you can’t and shouldn’t ever rely on disposable toilette tissue to then justify discarding undergarments. Just stop it.

As if all the soft, cloud, cotton euphemisms weren’t enough, what is the reason for the GIANT rolls now? Are we SO lazy that we can’t stoop to the lowest levels of humanity and be expected to change an empty roll of toilet paper? Well, based on the young adult population in my house, let me answer that for everyone right now. Yes, we are either too lazy or too busy or too far above the lowly level to be bothered with replacing empty toilet paper tolls in te bathroom. “PFffff! Whatever old man! I ain’t changin’ nothin’. I’ll just stick the new rolls right here on the sink. BOOM!”

Well Y, Millennial, and Z generations you’re in luck! The toilet paper industry has heard your cries of “Oh the humanity!” and have come to YOUR rescue with GIANT ROLL.

These things are ridiculous! They don’t fit in anything pre-2014! I mean, if someone not of the Y, Millennial, or Z generation was to think that they might want to put a roll into the dispenser that Gen-Xers, Boomer’s, or God forbid with which even the Greatest Generations are familiar then well, too bad! Sure, go ahead and try to force that roll in further to make the spring-loaded pin snap into place. You might even get it there, but good luck getting it to spin. You won’t. You’ll get 1-square and then you’re like Elaine from an episode of Seinfeld where the lady in the next stall says, “I can’t spare a square”.

What are you worried about anyway? You’ve got such luxurious and wonderful soft, fluffy, cloud-like toilette paper so you’ll be fine. NOT.

But why do they need to come with GIANT ROLL? If this latest toilet paper is supposed to be so fluffy, so cloud-like, so luxurious and Trump-like why do we need so much?