Have you ever noticed how dated some of our nation's road signs are? I suppose there are a couple of reasons for this to be the case. First, it costs money to produce road signs, and as we all know, all of our governments are broke. The other reason that road signs don't get updated very often is probably due to the recognition factor.

Obviously, you wouldn't want to suddenly come out with a new sign for a crosswalk and not have people recognize it. But, this very practice is going to cause more problems. Some people aren't going to know what some of the symbols on signs even refer to anymore.

Take this example.


Now, if you were born before 1990 you know that this is a depiction of two children playing on a teeter-totter. The desired inference from this sign is to tell drivers that they are approaching a playground and should use caution. I defy you to find a playground today with a teeter-totter on it. Don't believe me? Here is the playground for which this sign is on display.


Nope, not one teeter-totter.

See, teeter-totters have long since been banned and deemed dangerous. I mean who could forget the great teeter-totter attacks of the 80's?

And check out the sign on the light pole just before the teeter-totter sign.


No, I'm not going to do the obligatory "SLOW" children playing joke here. That comes later...in another post. No, my question is what in the hell is this "children" wearing?

Are those "KNICKERS" I see? Have we driven into a time machine throwing us back into the great depression? Did the artist for this image use the runners from the Chariots of Fire movie as models?

While we're at it, let's update this construction sign too. I have never understood what this guy is holding. Is it a shovel with an invisible blade? Is that a hoe? Maybe a triangle on a stick for a spade? No, it's a curler...from the Olympics!

Maybe it's one of those trick drawings where I don't yet see what everyone else sees. You know those ones where you either see two faces looking at each other or a fancy vase instead? No? Just me?

Small towns in the Midwest are warm and friendly places. They are the kind of towns where everyone knows everyone else. Generally, people look out for each other and wish only the best for each other.

Even local businesses get in on the act of wishing others well. I remember the grain elevator near my house used to always put area children's names on their lighted sign announcing and wishing them a happy birthday.

Just the other day, I drove past this example of a local gas station that had 3 people's names listed wishing them all a happy birthday.




Well look at that, Elijah is turning 30! That's sweet. Of course, whenver I see these signs I always watch in my rear view mirror to see if they have duplicated the same message on the opposite side.

Let's see about this sign, is Elijah being wished a happy birthday to the southbound traffic as well?





Wait, um, ok that's not at all what I was expecting. That's a rather harsh message opposite a nice happy birthday message.

Sorry Jon. I guess it's NOT your birthday huh?

Midwestern Meditations was born out of a desire to spotlight the special character and openness of the people of the Midwest. In short, it has widely been believed that people in the Midwest are more welcoming than other parts of the country. It's not that other parts of the U.S. are bad, but rather that you can always expect extra special hospitality in the Midwest.

When you look around the Midwest, you often see neighborhoods and homes with Welcome signs and cute displays of neighborly affection.

We're not sure, but perhaps such, was NOT the case with this recent discovery...



Dare me to ring their doorbell and run?

Have you noticed how cities are using those light and telephone pole banners more and more today? They are pretty neat I guess. Usually, you can find them lining the main thoroughfare through a city or town.



Cities use them in a variety of ways, but mostly they offer a nice uplifting message welcoming visitors and tourists to the area. They are usually very bright and colorful, evoking a positive image of the city and surrounding area.



Local merchants use them to advertise shopping areas and specialty stores.



Seasons are popular, you can often find Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter banners as well as holidays such as Christmas or the 4th of July.



Local sports teams are promoted letting visitors know this is Cardinal or Tiger country! Oooo...scary! (ha ha...)



Yes, there are probably countless examples of banners like these. If you stop and take the time to look around, you'll see their welcoming messages almost everywhere.

Here's another one. Wow, it's black! That's definitely different. It's advertising something, let's see, "2008" something, something..."Race Riot". Wait, what?






Ok, on a serious note, the referenced race riot was a dark time in our burg's history. But, it spurned the formation of the NAACP, so something positive did come from it.

Well, in addition TO this blog post!

You really have to hand it to the "Got Milk?" people. Since the advertising campaign's inception back in 1993, the California Milk Processor Board has absolutely hit it out of the advertising agency, so to speak. How many dozens of variations on the "Got Milk?" slogan have you seen in the past 16 years?

I mean seriously, it's everywhwere. It has been used to ask if someone has something, knows something, wants something, or anything. Got this, got that, it's almost the "Kleenex" of tissue paper now. Anyone want to market something? Just put a "Got..." in front of it and wa-la! You're done! It's on T-shirts, posters, web sites, and just about everything in between where the small guy can capitalize on a worldwide slogan without getting too much press so as to provoke copyright lawyers.

Of course, now the CMPD has moved onto their milk mustache campaign and it has soared to new levels as well. Seems everyone wants to market milk with a fake milk mustache in magazine ads and on billboards. Variations on this marketing effort however are less often imitated.

But, I digress. I spotted what may be final, end all, example of an everyman using the "Got Something" campaign. I mean that both literally, and figuratively.







And with that,

I now declare,

the "Got Something" campaign...

officially...


dead.

Around the world, local cities and communities work hard to promote themselves in order to attract tourists. It's like, Nashville has country music, Dallas has all things cowboys, Los Angeles has showbiz, Chicago has taxes, and well here in Springfield, IL we have Lincoln.

Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. Everywhere, everything has some mention or connection to Lincoln. People who are from here get pretty immune to all the Lincoln references. So much so, that you don't even notice them much anymore. The area has a campaign called "Looking for Lincoln" to get all the tourists to the various Lincoln sites.



Simply put, if you've been here 5 minutes and you HAVEN'T found him yet, there is a problem.

That is, until, we take it too far. For example, a locally owned coffee place hoisted this sign the other day...



It says, "Finger Lincoln Good!"

Yikes.

Yeah, an attempt at a double entendre that went horribly wrong! You've gone too far. Please back up, and try again.

It's still out there. The dreaded backwards capital "N". As was first chronicled in MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 3, it is harder to properly display a capital "N" than one might think.



Here is the latest sighting...



Interestingly enough, this latest discovery was also the scene of a previous issue (MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 22).



At least they got the "N" right that time...

This local business sign is quickly becoming a Midwestern Mediations hot-spot. It can now be added to the list which already contains Jacksonville, IL and the state of Arkansas.

T

There is a phenomenon that occurs more often than one might think. It happens when you see a local merchant advertising something on their store front sign. We've all received the chain emails showing the ridiculous rants posted by that one church or the "witty" / "unwitty" sayings of a local business.

But, nothing prepares you for some of these sightings. It should be noted that the editors of Midwestern Meditations eMagazine recently anointed the greatest local business store front message of all time in MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 9 - Priceless. But, we digress.

There are poor choices of words, and there there is this. Recently, not 1/8 mile from the landmark that produced MMeM, Vol. 4 Issue 9, the following message appeared at the local steakhouse:


Did you really go there? We're on sexual cliche overload up in here. In fact, the cliches are actually fighting with each other.

"And let's go to the replay, 'Famous Wayne's World quotes wrestle Superbad's snarky and sexually suggestive hand motions to the ground. But wait, here comes American Pie's sexually frustrated foreign exchange student...'

These eMagazine issues are supposed to be somewhat of a literary challenge. There should be archaic analogies and never ending sub-references leading to a clever twist. In the end, they are meant to spark thought and contemplation, i.e. "Meditations".

However, sometimes we have to pick the low hanging fruit in order to clear our discriminating view.

You could make the argument that they are using the backwards number "1" as a letter "T".

However, the sign then reads "NOW HIRING TO GRILL HELP".

Does that advertisement really pull in the applicants? Surely they are hiring people to help work the grill and not to actually grill, literally or otherwise.



Or, are they hiring "10 GRILL HELP"? That's a lot of grill help(s)...

Yeah, I'm at a loss.

Words mean things. It's true. In addition, pronunciation or inflection in the pronunciation of words can change the meaning of the phrase or sentence.

For example, take this delivery truck for a vending machine company. The slogan is "Fresh To You".



So, is that "FRESH to you"? Meaning, here is something fresh for you to consume. It's fresh and it's here just for you. The vending machine is bringing fresh food to you!

Or, "Fresh to YOU"? Meaning, to YOU, it's fresh. Because, YOU are buying lunch from a vending machine. Otherwise, this food is far from "fresh".

Yeah, I'm not sure either.

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A person could spend their whole life looking for a better local store advertisement. You know the types, a church with a witty pastor or a small family owned business that posts funny sayings and words on their sign.

Well, all I can say is that the Rock Shop has hit the proverbial home run with this one.

Move over MasterCard. I got your Priceless campaign right here.

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Recently, I was driving through Missouri when I ran across some very odd road signs.

I thought it was funny that this "Road Work" sign was half in the ground. Gee, what a wierd thing to see!?!

"Crazy Kids" I thought. I kept driving.

Next, I see what appears to be a "45 MPH" sign upside down in the dirt.

Okey-dokey...looks like the local jokesters had a late night. Those kids!

"Left Lane Closed Ahead"...wait a second! What the...? This is getting ridiculous.

Have you ever heard of people getting out of tickets for running a stop sign because it was obscured by some brush or overgrown tree?

Well, how about this one? "Officer, I couldn't stop as the sign directed because, well, it WAS HALF UNDER GROUND!"

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Look, I don't care who you are. Writing a capital letter "N" upside down is hard.








...let alone if you have to write it upside down, with spray paint, over a busy highway, on a rusty train viaduct, in the middle of January.

Someone needs an "Easy Button".

Honestly, I think I have trouble doing that with a pen on a piece of paper right in front of me...while I'm right side up.

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In case you didn't know, "IL Link" or "Illinois LINK" is a way of distributing food stamps via debit card.

Normally, I would stop right here having stated a fact and provided a picture. Heck, this picture practically wrote itself for a Midwestern Meditation.

Instead, this issue highlights this writer's own shortsightedness (again) and not just that of the establishment in said photo.

See, my state-health-field professional fiance told me about this sign and described it as follows: "Honey, on that road across from the store, there's a gas station advertising a sale on Crown Royal under a sign for the Illinois LINK card being accepted there..."

(Here is where I immediately took a wrong turn in the conversation.)

I suddenly broke in with, "Oh, sure I'll pick up a bottle or two."

Not correct.

As it turns out, that was not the intent of her statement. Rather, she was bringing to my attention an obvious conflict between government run social programs and the purveyors of spirits.

Woopsie-daisy!

Oh well, it won't be the last time I stick my foot in my mouth.

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Ok, here's one for "the kids".

...and here's the explanation for the "non kids".
If you've ever seen MTV Cribs, you know that famous wealthy sports and music figures love to show off their houses.

They take the cameras through every room in their huge extravagant home showing all the custom amenities. Every episode ends with a tour of the garage. And, every time there are 2-3 incredibly expensive vehicles being shown, i.e. Mercedes, Hummer, classics, etc. The host then explains what size rims they are "running on".
This of course is a reference to the diameter of the chrome rims which are on the wheels of said expensive vehicles. In short, bigger is apparently much better.

Well, here's one playa that either got tired of telling everyone what size rims he has on his low-riding truck, or he doesn't even want people to have to be bothered by even asking.

"YO dawg! What you runnin' that low-rider on? ....oh wait, I see. Twenties. Cool."

For the record, "twenties" aren't even that impressive. Even this "White & Nerdy" whitest white-guy knows that. Shaq be rollin' on twenty-foh's foo! BoyEEE.

OUT

GPS, or Global Positioning System, has really changed our world. With a store bought, handheld device, even Cooter can pinpoint his exact location on this vast 3rd rock from the sun. Maps? Who needs stinkin' maps? We have the ability to know our exact coordinates in terms of longitude and latitude at all times. Yeah, those are those things they talked about in 6th grade. Apparently, they really are used for something.

But anyway, I'm sure that GPS was behind this latest and stupifying waste of government tax dollars. You see this sign and you think, "Wow, I'm 1/4 of the way west around the world! Yep, the good ole ninetieth longitude."


Whatever.

But, it got me thinking. When I'm coming the other way toward the 90th degree longitude line, aren't I now 3/4 of the way EAST around the world?


Hmm. Guess not.

So, for the past 3 years I have been driving the same 30 mile commute to and from work every day. This commute takes me through the lovely farm lands and prairie scenes that comprise central Illinois.

However, there is one sight along the way that has completely perplexed me over the years. It kind of "jars" the senses a bit. Or, it at least takes your eyes off of the never ending vastness of corn for a moment. And, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would have the following sign next to their mailbox at the end of their driveway:





Yes, you read right. Coon Hunt.

Now, in case the pictures don't do it justice, this is a professionally made sign. It is affixed to a 4X4 and is even two-sided. I'm sure that is because you wouldn't want passersby going east to not know there is a "Coon Hunt" here and vice versa. In case readers are wondering, no, this sign was not posted by the same people that chose the slogan, "Slow Down Pole Lickers" back in December 2005 (Midwestern Meditations, Vol.1 Issue 4)

Am I missing something? Is there some secret Coon Hunting society that I don't know about? Surely it's a joke, right? Surprisingly enough, this sign was not seen in Arkansas. And no, this sign is not pointing down some lonely road to some backwoods Coon Hunting Lodge. No, it's right in front of a home and nothing more.

Oh, I almost forgot. During my years driving past said sign there was one interuption in its display for about 6 months. During that time, the sign was covered up with another professionally made sign that read, "Fresh Eggs".

Questions abound. Why "Coon Hunt"? Why cover it up for 6 months with "Fresh Eggs"? And then finally, why go back TO "Coon Hunt"?

Yeah, I don't know either.