MMeM, Vol.9 Issue 10 – EXIT

Imagine if the general consensus was to install metal detectors…

Seen some movies lately at our local movie theater. This has been a post that has torn at me a few different ways for pretty obvious reasons. I mean the jackass joker clown that mowed down innocents in Aurora, CO a few months back has something to do with this post for sure. F him hard, harder than the law allows. Anyway, he can and will go to hell so syonara freak.

In the meantime, I noticed several times in the previews before the main attraction that in addition to the obligatory “Turn down (silence) / off your cell phones” that there was a message about the exits. This was good and certainly needed and in response to the idiocy of Aurora, CO’s JOKER. Anyway, the problem I had with this was…

…this. I guess it’s not technically a problem as any attempt or effort as it may be, is better than nothing.

But, when the message to the audience is, “Please realize that your exits are EITHER at your front, side, or rear…”, well then, that’s kind of HALF-ASS and shows that this effort was done ONE TIME FOR ALL THEATERS IN THIS CORPORATION’S control. So, what you’re saying is that there are no exits above or below us?  Rather, any which way we head we will eventually hit one?

I mean, please. COME ON. What more do you need? Is it an even 15 or 20 deaths? I don’t know, I guess I’m being unrealistic. Imagine if the general consensus was to install metal detectors or something?

MMeM, Vol.8 Issue 30 – Shirley, they’ve noticed

The only defense we need is more women in power…

Well they have had to notice yes, and don’t call me Shirley. Thank you “Airplane”. Because that almost represents about all the humor I can ring out of this. See, terrorists are committed with homicide bombings and all kinds of cRaZy. it has always seemed that the ends justifies all means for this group.

Yet, they have left one very vulnerable angle that we in the West have all alone. It would be so easy too. I was talking to a co-worker about this the other day when discussing Benghazi (don’t worry, I’ll never break my promise to not be political here. NEVER!) Over the long haul, the only thing keeping this a fair fight is the West’s willingness to not kill anyone before we at least try to ruin their lives first. Look, most  Westerners don’t have 72 virgins waiting after death and that brings me to my main point.

The single most vulnerable point for the West and especially the U.S. is sex. In particular, sex that is inviting to the heterosexual male who finds himself in some form of power or prestige. It is KRYPTONITE to him. To make matters worse, al-Qaeda could launch a takeover tomorrow. How? Right beneath our noses. We would never see it coming, in fact we’d hold out our hands to give the invaders a steady hand on which to get their balance. How? Burkas. The disguise has been in front of us all along. Now, all that needs to be done is after all have landed on our shores, burkas drop and we’d be defenseless, brought to our knees in 10 maybe 15 minutes.

The only defense we need is more women in power in the U.S. and the West to truly protect ourselves. Think about it, women have brought down the most powerful men in the free world. There was a most popular sitting cigar wielding U.S. President, a 4-Star General – Director of THE CIA, the Presidential SECRET SERVICE Protection Detail, and those are just a few that we’ve been told about in the past 20 years. No, with more women in power we won’t be so vulnerable. There will still be instances some cases, but for the most part if we keep the White House library stocked with copies of “50 Shades of Grey” and the home theater room with a rolling loop of “Magic Mike“, we’d be just fine.

After all, this

might actually be hiding this most powerful of invaders lurking, scouting, and seeking it’s next feeble minded male prey… 

  it could all start as simple as this…

While we are putting shoes in rubber tubs and measuring shampoo into trial size containers not to exceed 3oz., this guy is probably not going to telegraph his intentions again next time…

No, next time it won’t be telegraphed by Richard the failed shoe bomber. It could very well be Ravishing Raquel the Bra Busting Burka Bomber…

MMeM, Vol.8 Issue 29 – I was “Benghazied”

…trying to fish out this coin I was feeling was no simple task.

All morning today I had the feeling of a coin in my left boot. I wear laced up hiking type boots for better support while I battle my balance issues. So, trying to fish out this coin I was feeling was no simple task.

When I finally got to my cube at work, I sat down at my desk and started the long process of taking off my left boot. I was so excited because sweet relief was at hand. As I ripped off the boot and shook it upside down, nothing came out. What was this? I searched the inside of the boot. Pulled up sole and looked all around on the floor around me thinking maybe it came out when I flung off the boot. Nothing.

Oh well I thought. At least it will be gone now. I put the boot back on and laced it up and went up the cafeteria for my cafeine injections. I didn’t get 5 steps before I felt that damn coin again! What was going on with this? I went back to my desk and repeated the process again and again produced the same results. I went up to the cafeteria and back with the feeling of the most annoying coin in my left boot the whole time.

Now, energized with some cafenated diet soda, I embarked on my 3rd attempt. I was going to get to the bottom of this if it killed me! As I was in the middle of my 3rd search for the mysterious coin suddenly I felt something under my left foot while my left boot was in my hands. No the coin wasn’t on the floor afterall, IT WAS IN MY SOCK! How, in the hell, did this happen? Obviously it made its way into my sock in the laundry process.

I retrieved the coin by slinking it up my sock and pulled out a 2005 Minnesota Quarter. Thank God it was at least a quarter for all that work! If it had been a nickel there’s no telling what my verbal response may have been. One thing’s for sure, I will be sending this coin down a soda machine slot before the end of the day- サヨナラ (Sayanora)

Whew! What a morning of being Benghazied! Oh I should mention that my big dumb animal of a brother lives in Minnesota too. Coincidence? I think not especially when he is currently in town visiting.

MMeM, Vol. 8 Issue 19 – Good Luck on Peel Offs

…millions still out of power, gas, water, and power.

Just heard on the news that out east in NY/NJ as everyone deals with the aftermath of superstorm Sandy, shelters are announcing that they could use canned food. But, they would prefer the type of canned food where the lid can just be peeled off by hand. Oh, but of course! I mean who wouldn’t? It’s just that the very concept of canned food is that it’s canned so it will be saved virtually forever and that humans in an emergency situation, might, just might work they’re way into the impenetrable container.

Ok, I’m SORRY! I feel bad for the millions still out of power, gas, water, and power. I do. But this news blurb reminded me of my stepson who about a year ago found himself at home, ALONE. He wasn’t scared and he did what he had to do to survive. He was hungry and needed dinner. The two ATM machines in our house, his mother and I, were not home.

The mere fact he’d even heard of or knew of canned food was a heavenly miracle. So, he picked out one to his liking, opened said can, and had dinner. Now, he didn’t bother himself with one of the 5 can openers in the house. No. Apparently, he was acting out the future aftermath that our fellow citizens find themselves in right now out in the Northeast. No, his chosen can of food was not a peel top. So like all opposable thumbed primate would, he figured out a way to do it himself.

He used a bread knife.

 

What can you say? I have no idea. I guess the stranded NYC marathon runners who had their race cancelled by Bloomberg just before they loaded the start pistol will have to be pretty handy too. Oh there will be some peel back cans of food donated by some people, but please. There won’t be enough to meet the need.

All we can hope for is good ole American ingenuity just like that shown by our starving son.