MMeM, Vol. 10 Issue 32 – #RetailFail 3of3

Eh, I’m sure it’s offset…

I know that in the world today, one of the biggest problems we face is the abuse and overuse of our environment in just about every way that humans exist. Take shopping bags, be they of plastic or paper, they are evil either way. We’ve all seen the statistics and the pictures of dolphins living for years with plastic bags around their bottle-nosed snouts. Or, there was the weird kid in the movie American Beauty who filmed the plastic shopping bag floating through the sky and thought it was art in the midst of tragic despair and filth.

Now, we have grocery store chains, local-retail-posing-as-a-wholesale-style-themed-warehouse-club-store-wanna-be grocery-store-chains, and states implementing disposable shopping bag BANS because they can’t be disposed of properly. Totes and advertising re-useable shopping canvas bags are now sold in said stores as replacements. I have quite a collection of these. And, there is a variety of these from each retailer, regular, hot-n-cold temperature thermos styles, etc. In any case, I always run into the same problem, in that I can’t seem to remember to have these re-usable shopping bags in my possession when I’m out and about and all of a sudden a need arises which requires some shopping when on my way home from work en route to another destination. Subsequently, I buy more re-usable shopping bags to add to my collection. And so, the new non-solution continues.

The other day I need to pick up some fresh fruit and groceries for my mom who is home-bound after her hip replacement. I get the call while I’m at work, actually it was a text message, which, my receiving at all took quite a bit of technical aptitude and luck as I work in an NSA-spying proof silo where such communication is next to impossible. Anyway, I got the message and limped into a retail-wholesale store, to remain nameless, on my crutch to get the needed nourishment. I loaded up my cart after trudging around the “warehouse” designed, ever-changing layout of ever revolving offerings and checked out. Next, I displayed my receipt to the blue-haired security types at the exit. I unloaded my bounty in my truck then drove away and heard a shift in my load in the back seat. I closed my eyes for a brief second as I knew what this meant.


Yes, blueberries all over the floor of my truck, which I’ve had for a total of 2 months now? Of course. Whelp, now time to pick them all up, carefully, throw them away, and take my business to another grocery store that still doesn’t mind polluting the environment a little bit to help out a lazy 1st world customer like myself. Oh, you’re thinking I could have taken used and empty cardboard boxes offered at the previous store? Well, those are non-recycleable if anyone truly cares about environments, but who’s counting?

I wonder, what impact does all of this warehouse-type grocery overbuying of food in bulk have on sewer systems around the world? Or, if excessive intake in our bloated waistline culture isn’t enough of a concern, how about crates of toilet paper so plentiful that teenagers may be the biggest purchasers of them, for weekend outdoor decoration projects and the like?

Eh, I’m sure it’s offset by the reduction in flimsy plastic shopping bags being used, so it’s all good.

MMeM, Vol. 10 Issue 31 – #RetailFail 2of3

Christmas in July a real thing here!

Am I the only one who remembers when Christmas decorations in stores started going up right after Thanksgiving and then it was a BIG deal when a few places crossed that line and put some up a day or two BEFORE Thanksgiving?

Or, am I just imagining this? Because I really think that’s how it used to be. Of course, I am in a much OlDeR generation than kids today but boy, Christmas just starts earlier and earlier every freaking year. And really, why wouldn’t it? It’s in retail’s best interest to have it set up YEAR ROUND. I mean, people love the idea of lay-away and getting an early start on buying gifts for all of their friends and families. I’m told this is to better “budget” or something like that. Whatever. I’m more like the kind of guy who starts to deal with the weather when I go outside, so I extend that same approach to holiday planning.

Anyway, I’m in my local-retail-posing-as-a-wholesale-style-themed-warehouIMG_1717se-club-store the other day, it was just 2 days after LABOR DAY for the record when I see………THIS—->



Again, I get it. I know why a store would and does do this. But, let’s take a step back here. We are getting dangerously close to making Christmas in July a real thing here!

Backlash will one day come for sure! Cats sleeping with dogs, skies falling, night turing into day, it’s an apocolypse in the making and one we’re bringing upon ourselves which when we take a look around, is beginning to become a pretty common theme.

Beheadings, anti-everything stickers, crazies running into the White House, Secret Service being really secret about their service. It’s not GOOD!

MMeM, Vol. 10 Issue 30 – #RetailFail 1of3

this sea of retail inmates…

I don’t like to shop. I make no excuses or claims to the contrary, it’s just a fact. It is personal misery for me. So I do my best to plan, execute, get in, and get OUT. Sure price is VERY important, but meeting needs is primary in my world and given my physical limitations I will, on occasion make price trade-offs in that I’m willing to pay a few more dollars to save myself some anxiety, pain, sweat, stress, tears, blood, etc.

So yes, I keep an eye on advertising for decent sales and deals. I try to get certain items at certain places for certain occasions. All of this is to say that this week I stumbled upon a form of self-entertainment that came to me the other day while waiting in a checkout lane at a local grocery store. It was one of those moments that you feel only comes once in a great while. Haley’s comet, a Cubs’ World Series, a cure to a worldwide malady, whatever. I had one of those moments. This is a joke YOU can use on your own the next time your shopping! It’s easy and FUN! Honest!


As I stood in the long line of grocery shoppers with two in front of me and countless behind me, a joke popped into my head. If you know me at all, you know that I never pass on a joke opportunity. Never. As I looked over the aisles next to ours I saw the same situation. Lines of shoppers slumped over heaping shopping carts. Some were with spouses, leafing through People magazines, herding kids, sipping on $40/gallon lattes, wiping sweat from their brows. Others were gazing at all of the empty, unmanned rows with CLOSED signs at the top now realizing what those really were. Those checkout lanes were more advertising to get you come back or come at all. “Well with so many rows of checkout lanes, it has to be fast at that store!”, people mistakenly think or mis-remember (to quote a former MLB pitcher before a congressional committee) to themselves.

r-SELF-CHECKOUT-large570    iga-blaxland-checkout1checkout-lane-closed-sign





Extreme Couponing- TLC.clipular


So, I turned to the senior citizen couple behind me and loudly asked them, “Say, have you seen that show Extreme Couponing?” I now know what Moses felt like at the parting of the Red Sea as heads from across this sea of retail inmates suddenly bounced in my direction with wide fearful eyes. The gentleman spoke for the couple and said, “I’ve heard about it but no, never seen it.” “Score!” I thought. See in his social world, hearing about something is his generation’s version of Facebook today. Nonetheless, I let the masses return to breathing when I replied in a way to let them all know I was not one of those extreme couponers. But, before they got back to their slumping I motioned over my shoulder with my eyes and a head bob that the lady in front of me was, well, maybe….

Then I laughed and smiled and indicated I was just joking letting them all off the hook. Everyone let out a sigh of relief with some chuckles.

Usual misery resumed, unabated.


MMeM, Vol.7 Issue 41 – The answer to obesity

The perfect snack food to buy…


t’s amazing how some times the greatest discoveries are complete accidents. I love it when that happens and anymore I try my best not to miss these great strikes of lightening like brilliance!

So, the other day I bought some crackers for work to help get me through another day of plugging along through hundreds of thousands of records in dozens of tables while trying to build magical yet mind-numbing queries. Queries to do mystical and almost indescribable tasks. It’s not impossible but it can be real freaking boring. Well for this day I happen to stumble across Scrabble Cheez-its.

It’s a miracle I got any work done at all that day. But the real genious is that you find yourself not eating any “tiles” for fear that it will limit what words you can build. All day I built the funniest sometimes inappropriate words and phrases that I could come up with for my co-workers. Yes, I would come up with something rather witty and then go spell it out on their desk or cabinet when they were away. It was like giving everyone a funny-snack! See, I feel comfortable doing this because as previously stated, I WASH MY HANDS ALL THE TIME!

So there you have it. The perfect snack food to buy because you don’t/won’t want to eat it for fear of losing text creation ability. Brilliant!

MMeM, Vol. 8 Issue 34 – CyberMonday, Really?

Never Forget? Yeah, that didn’t last too long.

You know terms in popular culture have a way of coming around and never leaving. Today, Cyber Monday, is only one of the most recent offenders. What’s so inexplicable is the sheer idiocy which creates these “words” or “phrases”. Ok, I’d say that Cyber Monday is one of the few examples that makes a weak attempt at a cause for its existence.

People take Black Friday and have heard that the following Monday when we are all back at work is a big day for online shopping. Online or The Internet is substituted for by using “Cyber” which hasn’t been used since CyberSex back in the birth and Hey-days of AOL ChatRooms. Cyber please.

Of course the biggest and most overused of all of these made up word or phrases, Whrases, has to be anything adopting a suffix of “…GATE”. This really should stop. No one using this today has any idea what it means, where it came from, or anything about it. At best, they might connect “…GATE” to Nixon but have no idea why. The funniest part about that is that when WATERGATE happened, no one understood what in the hell was the real intent of the incident anyway. It’s still argued about today. In short, government backed people broke into some Democratic National Committee’s offices which, were at the time, Watergate office complex in Washington, D.C. So when using a “GATEism” it really should be reserved for total confusion among liars, thieves, burglars, deep thoat informants, and career launching persons in media.

Anyway, I’m really surprised that Black Friday’s recent bleed-over into Thanksgiving Thursday hasn’t spawned any new terms. Grey Thursday? Anyone? No? And remember back in 2002, 2003 when you couldn’t even find a gas station open on Thanksgiving after 9/11 because it was family time dammit! If you needed gas you’d better find a pump that took credit cards and was left on for that matter. We were not going to take our families for granted again rather we were to really use and honor times like Thanksgiving as they were intended. There was to be no work, no shopping, no nothing. Never Forget?

Yeah, that didn’t last too long. How soon we either forget or move on like Americans do. I guess we gots to get back to bein’ Americans dammit.

Next year, which business will be a trend setters and open for Thanksgiving morning? It’ll be dubbed “Shades of Grey Thursday”.