MMeM, Vol.8 Issue 36 – Male Secret #2 of top 3

…with a look of REAL shock and awe on my face…

The fist bump. It may be the single greatest thing that one Donald Trump has actually helped to popularize in the world of high-profile business. See its said that “The Donald” prefers the fist bump over hand shakes due to being a bit of a germaphobe. I get that. And to be quite honest, he has good reason to feel that way. In my experience of working in corporate America I can attest to the fact that men DO NOT wash their hands 1/3 as often as everyone assumes that they do.

Guy in middle, "Really? You're shaking this guy's penis right in front of me?"

It just doesn’t happen. No, it doesn’t much matter whether it’s a #1 or a #2 transaction it just ain’t gettin’ done. Look, I’m no angel but I believe that doing the right things is a matter of creating good habits. It’s a conscious decision to start one but if you stick with it long enough, I don’t know a couple of weeks or so, it’ll be with you for life. It’s just that simple. I broke in my hand washing good habit back in Junior High or so and it’s been with me ever since. No, I’ve never sung Happy Birthday in my head to make sure I’m doing it long enough of something I just damn well do it. I like to think it’s one of the reasons I don’t get sick that often. If so, it’s one of few things I do right.

But back to the fist bump. The Donald’s and many others’ contention is that if you just bump knuckles with others you aren’t enclosing the moist centers of hands with other people who may not have broken in their “good habits”. From what I have noticed in male corporate bathrooms over the years, this is very good practice on these germophobes’ parts. If women or MEN for that matter had any idea just how many crotches and penises they actually shake hands with throughout the day they would be appalled. In fact, it would spark a National Fist Bumping MONTH for God’s sake guaranteed. And the Wonder Twins were WAY ahead of their time!








I can’t tell you how many times I haven’t even been watching for washing and yet it happens like that Seinfeld episode with Poppy the chef. All of a sudden I find myself standing at the sink with a look of REAL shock and awe on my face after some #2 depositor has just left the room. It’s alarming sometimes.

I think most guys figure that until they get actual urine or actual feces on their hand it’s A-OK in their book. Look, I don’t know about the rest of you but I consider my whole crotcheral region a Federal SuperFund clean-up area.

The Fist Bump or “Knuckles” as it’s sometimes referred to, does have some guidelines. So, you can’t just start making fists all willy-nilly lest you want to start some bare-knuckle brawling at work sometime.


MMeM, Vol. 8 Issue 17 – Movember

…overall male consensus, which means no one really under-stands anything.

Ok, so we leave breast cancer awareness month with all of its pink tape and accents behind. October was a very clear month in terms of awareness efforts. Now, we’re left with figuring out what to do with things like a pink tape wrapped crutch and other leftovers. But, that’s not the biggest problem. No, leave that to us guys. Because November ushers in “No Shave November”.

Movember“. It doesn’t take much or any research to understand that guys came up with that word. And it seems to have originated from back in 1999 and is very convoluted in its original origin. The overall male consensus, which means no one really understands anything, is that guys wanted to grow moustaches for one month in November. Some did it because they wanted to celebrate nothing more than pure laziness and others tried to say it was to raise awareness for prostate cancer and depression among men. The latter was definitely a product of the few men who actually remembered something from the October they had just gone through.

Followers of the former purpose tended to opt for the phrase “Noshember“. Noshember members were calling for the complete non-shaving of all body hair by men and women for the entire month.

So the group who actually worked hard to try and steal some of October’s gender attention combined the words moustache and November. Movember. Definitely male. If pronounced correctly using the root words pronunciation it would sound like a month dedicated to cows. Anyway, Movember is moderately dumb sounding. But, if it does increase awareness for prostate cancer screenings then by all means, today is officially put your razors away day! Then over the first week of December, Movember observers are encouraged to shave leaving the most hilarious and curious looking moustache they can muster.

Movember has been pretty successful. It’s partnered with Google Chrome, Qantas Airlines, and TOMS just to name a few of the more successful and famous partnerships.

Hadn’t heard of Movember? Me either, until now.

Magnum PI was SO ahead of his time. I don’t think it’s even on in syndicated re-runs much anymore. Well maybe that will all change in Movember dammit!

Midwestern Meditations, Vol. 8 Issue 15 – Mind of not so modern man

The mortality rate… among all women has declined by 2% each year.

To be completely serious, this all started with very good intentions. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For a few years now, there has been a much different tact taken in getting the word out to women about Breast Cancer and the fight against it. Yes, leaders of this cause have brought in the only group of people who could almost care as much about women’s breasts. MEN.

Everyone has seen the pink shoelaces, hats, jerseys, gloves, socks, towels, and tape in just about every professional and collegiate athlete and team. Well done! It’s been a very effective approach to say the least. Guys are actually talking about mammograms and annual check-ups for goodness sake!

While this effort alone can’t be assigned progress, it worth noting that the NFL has been pushing this effort for 4 years now. In the meantime, the CDC reports that between 1999 and 2008, the mortality rate of breast cancer among all women has declined by 2% a year. Incidence is also down, but anyone could easily say that earlier detection is a big part of better mortality rates, which brings me to my case study of The Mind of the Not So Modern Man.

Yeah, we all watch the NFL and see all the pink gloves, shoelaces, towels, and tape….tape. So, I’m in Dick’s the other day (please insert your own Beavis & Butthead laugh when reading that store name) and I see PINK tape rolls for sale. BAM, a brilliant idea enters my caveman brain and with the display only 2 feet away, I’m able to grab a role before the thought evaporates. The tape I already needed for my crutch, or balance stick as I like to call it which I use for pain from my accident and lack of balance from my MS.

So, I wrap my crutch with pink tape just like an NFL player has their ankles, wrists, or shins wrapped. This way, I’m sporting pink everyday in October and not just on Fridays with my out of season pink polo.

Been pretty well received at work. I’ve had a lot of comments when people finally realize why I have a pink crutch. Then it’s agreed that it’s a good way to support Breast Cancer Awareness Month like the NFL players do. Me? I have to put the proverbial caveman cherry on top and announce, “I just want to support breasts!”