Announcing the motion to get rid of the U.S. 5 cent piece, otherwise known as, the nickel.

The nickel. Are you kidding me? This stupid thing is bigger than a dime yet is worth less than a dime.

It's the fattest of all the U.S. coinage so it can't be used as screwdriver when you're in a pinch.

It has NO ridges on it.

Perhaps most perplexing is that it costs $0.0953 to make one and yet a nickel has $0.06013 in metal content. How stupid is that? It costs more to make than it is actually worth, but we then use it for even less than it's even worth. Wait, what? I'm getting dizzy and feeling light-headed.

Is this even real currency? Nickels are the auburn cranial plateau juveniles (policitally correct phrase, 5 bonus pts for translation) of the currency world.

When a vending machine gives me 5 nickels instead of a quarter for change, I think it should be legal for me to pummel said machine.

A nickel? Please, I would rather have 5 pennies than a nickel in my hand. That way, I could rid myself of their worthlessness by dropping them in the "need-a-penny, take-a-penny" bowl at the cash register! (Anyone who drops silver into the "need-a-penny, take-a-penny" bowl looks extremely pretentious.)

Getting rid of the nickel would have some negative implications. For example, the expression "getting nickel and dimed to death". Or, referring to Interstate 55 as "the double-nickel". Don't forget, "if I had a nickel for every time that happens, I'd be a millionaire". The football defensive player position called the "nickel-back". The buffalo nickel. And, the band Nickelback's name wouldn't make as much sense anymore. (for explanation click here).

Sure, there would be problems as a result of the nickel's banishment, but expressions always outlive the inspirations behind them. I give you, "putting the cart before the horse".

Ok, with gas prices today, this one may one day be back in vogue, but you get my drift...

Retail. Oh how I hate thee. First off, "rewards Programs".

"Rewards Programs" are really corporate ways of asking, "Can we track everything you purchase EVER and then sell your demographic information with specific purchasing frequency and habits to the highest bidder who will then resell that data to the highest bidder again?"

Thanks, great.



I have actually had stores make me leave the checkout lane with my purchases sitting on the counter to run out to my car to get my stupid key fob for their stupid store. Are you kidding me? I keep every key fob I have ever been forced to sign-up for on one obnoxious key ring separate from my normal keys. I get "some" satisfaction by handing it over to the clerk with a confused look on my face.

Next, have you ever found yourself in a Target store wearing khakis and a red polo? If so, you know what happens next. Service-starved customers start asking YOU where the baby department is now.

And another thing, that guy at Best Buy that says hello to you as you enter EVERY TIME. Am I supposed to turn and say hello to him too? Do I do the "guy-nod" or just wave my hand?

I understand the guy saying "thanks" or "goodbye" as you leave. This is the security guy's way of telling you, "...we're watching you". But when entering, it's just annoying! So annoying, that I may actually go to Circuit City instead. At least they ignore me like all the other stores do.

THAT, I like.

Let me get this straight. I do yard work and trim a bunch of bushes and trees. I have trimmings left over after doing all of this work. Now, I can't burn this waste because of well, you know, global warming...or was it because of the threat to asthmatics? I forget.

Anyway, to dispose of this waste:

I have to purchase special 30 gallon paper bags from a handful of local home improvement stores.

I also have to purchase stickers to place on said paper bags before I put them out with my trash. Because, apparently having the waste in the specially mandated paper bags does not properly satisfy natural waste disposal laws. These tags are to pay for something, presumably a kickback or something more likely worded as a "fuel surcharge".

Then, and ONLY then, will the company that I ALREADY PAY to pick up my trash take away the yard waste.

Wait, what?

I have to puchase special bags and then purchase special stickers for the bags for my contracted waste removal service to take 100% ALL NATURAL, ORGANIC, YARD WASTE to the dump for me?

How in the heck do we get here? How has it become more costly to dispose of natural waste than man-made waste?

I swear to all things holy that if I EVER find out these paper bags of sticks, grass, and leaves are being burned somewhere I am going to have an aneurism...or run for office.

Here we have a family of four riding in a sport utility vehicle.

They have a roof, four doors, and bumpers.

They have driver and passenger side air bags.

They have side curtain air bags.

They have anti-lock brakes.

They are all wearing seatbelts.

All of these safety precautions are either required by law or now industry standard.

Here we have a man riding a motorcycle.

He is wearing sunglasses.

Par-a-dox -noun 3. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.

So I'm outside one day in the heat. I don't remember where I was but I start fanning myself with a paper or something.

This guy comes up to me and says, "You know, they did a study that says that you actually create more heat by fanning yourself that you save by cooling yourself off with the fanning".

...I think to myself:

"Hmm! I'll bet the proprietors over at handfans4less.com don't appreciate this information!"

Anyway, back to the moment at hand. What in the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Do I keep fanning in spite of the edict this dude just laid down on me?

By continuing to fan myself am I saying, "I don't believe you" or "I am more efficient at fanning" or "You're annoying", or what?

Or, my other option is to put my hand fan down and sweat. Thus, choosing instead to put trust in this guy's data that if I sit and sweat here for a while I will cool down faster than if I was fanning myself.

Why would someone say something like that to someone? They HAVE to know that they are putting you in a cryptic conundrum!

HOW IN THE HELL DO THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN TO ME?