don’t normally like to talk about individuals or personal friends and family. More often than not, I’m the subject of my sarcastic humor and takes. However, there is an exception to this self-imposed rule. That exception is my brother who is in fact, really, a mirrored reflection of me. For years I have stopped myself from commenting or sharing MANY of his escapades in my attempt to self monitor out of respect for, the indefensible, or in his case, the undeniable buffoonery that is, my brother. Truth be told, had I not kept true to my self-imposed rule, I could manage a complete blog entirely composed of NOTHING but MATT stories.
Yes, that’s my brother’s name, although we don’t usually refer to each other by name. Rather, we address each other only as BROTHER. Why, you may ask? Simple, it’s homage to our favorite movie and character “Tommy Boy“. In it, Chris Farley’s simpleton character refers to his new grown adult step-brother played by Rob Lowe, as “Brother”! Confusing? Sure, emails, cards and letters can get a bit confusing. However, I recently started supplementing another characteristic with which to address Brother. See, he’s a Federal employee. For years we chased him all over the country when he changed from location to location working for the U.S. Park Service, and now he’s in Alaska working for the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service. In his line of work, your level in the government is kind of a big deal. Over the years we hear about what level of GS# he is. I’m not sure what GS number he is now, but I address all packages and cards with GLG25. Anyone catch that? Yeah, it’s the code that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd were seeking in “Spies Like Us“.
Anyway, Brother called yesterday to share his latest Tommy Boy-esque experience, and boy, it did not disappoint. Seems he had put in so much work during the week that he needed to take off the afternoon on Friday and do some work from there and tend to some work-related errands in the meantime. First, he need to get some paint mixed for some signage on the refuge that he works on in Alaska. So, he loaded up his truck and noticed one of his sandwiches in the truck. Naturally, he started to eat it on the way to the paint store. He noticed that the ham, cheese, and mayonnaise sandwich tasted somewhat “funny”, but, and I interjected for him and said, “You fought through it right?” He replied, “Of course!”
He later realized that the sandwich he ate wasn’t the one he had prepared the night before, but in fact, was one that he had inadvertently left uneaten in his truck 7 DAYS AGO.
Later, at the Sherwin Williams paint store he was having his paint selection mixed and found himself mesmerized by the mixing machine. Big mistake.
The “funny” tasting sandwich was beginning to take cues from the bouncing paint mixer machine and starting to turn on him. He asked one of the 3 female millennial aged employees if they had a BUCKET. They started to ask, what? Why? And then, it happened. He vomited all over the floor. He then changed his request to, “Do you have a mop?” They said, “Don’t worry about that.” He of course, would have none of it and cleaned up his own eruption.
Before he left, he said to the employees, “Gee, I guess Sherwin Williams really does COVER THE EARTH!”