ne week ago today, I had what I thought was a regular day at work, until I got home. As I was in the bathroom changing out of my work clothes into more comfortable lounge-about-wear, I noticed something. Belt loops. See, I normally wear Golden Retriever color khakis to work for obvious reasons. I have several pairs from various makers. There is this one pair of khakis that had these wide belt loops which I always liked the best. They have always been my favorites or my “go-to” pair.
However, more than a year ago these same pants were relegated to obscurity due to a very unfortunate mishap. It was back before my eyesight had improved enough to resume driving and I was depending on rides from family, co-workers, cabbies, etc. On one day during the trip home from work as I was getting into the car of a co-worker, I heard the sound that any man of size and or girth fears more than the trumpets of the arrival of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. “RIIIIIIIiiiiiiPPPPPPpppp!” Immediately, as I finished my awkward slide into my co-worker’s front seat I began muffling and distraction procedures.
Feigned coughs, clearing of the throat, pointing to nothing and saying “What’s that?”, all of the usual distraction methods. Anyway, somehow by the Grace of God I somehow made it home and backed my way out of the front seat without discovery. I then seemingly moon-walked my way up the driveway into the garage until I could issue the garage door closing command. Upon inspection later, the pants were ruined as they had an 8-10 inch rip running from the in-seam of the @$$ to the pocket-side of the left thigh. I thought this would make a hilarious joke on my mom, who for years has been my seamstress on call for all manners of repair. I’d have my daughter drop of these unrepairable pants to her saying, “My dad had a hole he needed you to fix in these pants.” while handing them to her in a plastic grocery bag. So, I sent them through the wash, but I forgot. Somehow, months later, I inadvertently grabbed these death spiral pants on this day and wore them to work for an entire day never knowing, until I noticed the wide belt loops in the bathroom at the end of the day!
The next day I took the same pair of pants in a grocery bag to work to interrogate all of my co-workers that I visited with and saw during the day before asking about what they had never mentioned. They all denied everything. I basically called them all liars and announced that they were now all dead to me. They asked, “How did you not feel the cold air on one of the coldest days ever?” “I don’t have any answers”, I’d say. After a day of reflecting, later that night, I did remember getting into my truck that morning with my crutch, my murse (Man-Purse), and an open Diet Coke. As I slid into the seat, I remembered thinking that I must have spilled a little bit of ice-cold soda in the seat because I felt the bitter cold in my @$$. Sure, a cola-stained khaki-colored butt pair of pants might make most people go back into the house, but not me.
After all of this, here is the picture that I had always intended to take and then send to my mom asking about getting a repair to these pants after sending them to her with my daughter. You’ll note, Nala, our Golden Retriever is modeling the size of said hole with her gigantic head and neck.